If this blog were a houseplant, it would have joined the ranks of many, many shriveled flora formerly in my charge now enjoying the afterlife in what I can only hope includes maintained pots with just the right watering and sun exposure.  Thankfully, this blog is like a cactus (although some of those have also withered beneath my black thumb), able to maintain life despite weeks of drought.

What have the last 8 weeks included?

Completed a marathon (my first), started a new career (in real estate), knit (& beaded) multiple baby hats, traveled to three states (in a three week timeframe), began our adoption home study (ready for parenting 2.o), and a few other commitments sprinkled on top.

I have come to a realization.  I am addicted. To stress.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death. 

I don’t know when the transition from being active in “good” after school activities switched to an obsessive drive to stay busy to the point of exhaustion began, but I can see the foundation was present around age 14 when I saw the Meg Ryan, Diane Keaton movie Hanging Up.

It isn’t either of their finest work despite the benefit of a Nora Ephron script, but there is a scene that has stuck with me all these years. Meg Ryan’s character is driving in her car while talking on her phone with an overstuffed day planner containing the fragmented pieces of her family and business life sliding around in the front seat. She is drinking a coffee, has great hair, a devoted husband & son, her own business… and a lot of stress.  At 14 years old, I knew I wanted to be just like her (great hair included).

I recently re-watched the movie. At 29, the character’s life is much less appealing, but strikingly relatable to my own. I guess I accomplished my childhood goal.

As a kid, it seemed glamorous to be busy; spinning lots of plates.  In reality, the gold has worn off and it feels more like a tired circus act.  It isn’t a revelation that I am inclined to overcommit, but for the first time in my life I feel like I can’t maintain it anymore.  Stranger still, I don’t want to.

I have always loved being busy, it made me feel good.  When I tried in the past to create peace in my life I failed miserably.  I am beginning to see this is largely because I tried to force peace by attempting to be someone I am not.  I tried swinging from one extreme to the other only to hit a wall and be pushed back to the other side.  This month I have decided to just let got of the rope.

So the blog is re-launched with me in a free fall into God’s grace as my life gets an overhaul.  So if you are interested in hearing how a type A, INTJ, stress addict with a proclivity to people pleasing learns to relax without negating the first two traits tune in. It should be fun! ;^)